Why I Need Faith Grace and Scripture Every day - Part One

What exactly is faith, grace and scripture and why do I need it every day?

I am someone that loves a deep dive, so let’s break down exactly what it is and why I need it.

I’ve had crippling anxiety for around twelve years. It has its times where it's a little better and times where its horrendous. I’ve been agoraphobic on and off during that time, and this stretch has been going on for years.

I was making improvements and then 2020 happened, and because of the restrictions we had in Australia, going out wasn't exactly an option, and so I went backwards. Things got worse for a while and even at home I was still having panic attacks.

I feel like my throat is swelling over and that I can't breathe properly. I feel a heavy tightness in my chest. I feel nauseated most times when I leave the house. Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds 😉

My brain freezes and speaking becomes very difficult. Forming a coherent thought becomes almost impossible. My body gets so tense that after the panic attack ends my body is sore afterwards.

I'm afraid I’m going to pass out while driving - even though the amount of adrenaline racing through my body would make that highly unlikely. Panic however isn't exactly logical.

I know that all my fears are absurd. I know that worst case scenario is I would just be humiliated in public. To me though, who has issues with shame and humiliation, it's generally not worth the risk in my head.

I used to love going fishing and out for breakfast every weekend. I loved going shopping. And over the last decade, I have done all those things during the not so bad times. Multiple times. But it has been sporadic and my good times are less frequent than the bad times.

I tried medication and for a while it worked, but then it stopped.

Now that sounds pretty bleak right? On the surface, yeah absolutely it does. But looks can be deceiving.

The thing is, during the first half of this whole anxiety journey, I was not a Christian. Yes, I believed in God and would 'check in' from time to time and update him on my life, but otherwise that was it.

I didn't know Jesus. He died on a cross for sin; but what did that even mean? I didn't get it.

My thing was new age. I would've said I was spiritual, not religious. I used every single tactic and technique that was supposed to get rid of this anxiety. I'm talking yoga, meditation, visualisation, hypnotherapy, mindfulness, self-talk, affirmations, manifesting, crystals, spirit guides and so on. Nothing worked. I was just the same old basket case that I was before.

Traditional medicine only worked for about two years, even after the doctor increased the dosage, it still was useless. Then the added fun of coming of the SSRIs.

Obvious legal disclaimer: I am not a doctor, so please don't come off your medication without consulting your doctor and if it is working then that is great.

I tried secular psychology, both in person and all the books and blogs I could find that looked promising.

Nothing.

I was as anxious as ever. I was also miserable about it all. I had no peace and no hope of things ever improving. Was I just stuck with this affliction all my days?

Fast forward to 2019, about six years after my first panic attack. For reasons that I still cannot quite put into words, because I don't understand why or even how exactly, I began to turn toward Jesus.

It wasn't a thing of my doing. Why would I have turned to him when I didn't get him or quite frankly, even want him at that time? I mean, the universe was going to help me right? I just needed to find the right combination of things at the right time, in the right way and throw up some fairy dust and then finally...finally I would have some rest, some peace and I would be unburdened of the horrible anxiety that I had zero control over.

No.

I started to listen in secret to some Christian things. It wasn't that anyone would have been bothered by it, I was just kind of embarrassed. I just wanted to dip my toe in and see if maybe there might be something to this Jesus stuff without anyone knowing.

Ironically, the things that I was listening to were not even close to biblical Christianity, but God uses all things and as I went along and read the bible, I realised very quickly that those people were to be marked and avoided. Some I was sad about, others not so much.

The thing though was that they were kind of familiar to me. One I had watched from time to time on TV in the early morning and she was like no other Christian woman I'd seen before. She was funny and intelligent and had a strong unapologetic personality. I could relate to that. The others were more supernatural. Now this was my space too, but I will save that for another post.

So, I got saved and was a born-again Christian.

Did the anxiety magically go away?

Alas no.

Did it lessen? Yes.

As I said earlier, I was able to start going out again, and I was making progress and then 2020 hit and I went backwards. It’s starting to sound bleak again, but I assure you that it's not. Stay with me, because looks can be deceiving.

Here's how it looks to an outsider:

• I'm mostly housebound.

• I'm not doing anything.

• I'm not achieving anything.

• I don't have a career.

• I'm just a stay-at-home mum.

• I have a dog that isn't perfectly trained or obedient at all times.

• I don't have a big group of friends.

• I don't go out socialising.

• I'm a shut in and wasting my life.

• I must be a burden to my husband and my son.

• My marriage must be strained.

• I must be miserable.

and the list goes on.

None of those things above are true, except that I am mostly housebound and my dog isn't perfect. She's a Maremma and she's still a puppy.

Speaking of my dog, I can walk her with my husband and not be anxious at all.

I can now drive my car with hubby next to me down to post box to mail orders for stickers that I make for my Etsy store.

I can go around to my mum's house.

I know on the surface that doesn't look like much but that is a big step up from where I was. I can do all those things without anxiety and that is a miracle to me.

But what about not doing anything, not achieving anything and not having a career? Can you really be happy just being a stay-at-home mum?

Yes. I really, truly can.

Being a stay-at-home mum is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. There is no job in the world that I would rather be doing. I love it.

And not doing anything or achieving anything? That's also wildly inaccurate. I'm doing plenty. I'm supporting my husband. I'm raising our son, I take care of the house, the meals, the finances and so on. I'm managing my beautiful, stubborn, independent thinking guardian dog. Well, mostly managing. Sometimes we just hold on for dear life 🤣 Having a young Maremma is a full-time job in itself some days.

I am studying the bible and listening to hours of bible study. I'm learning more about Jesus every day.

I play video games and board games with my son. We are trivia nuts and watch The Chase every night as a family.

I love doing jigsaw puzzles and when my dog is a bit older, I will get back into crocheting scarves for the homeless. I discovered that a puppy and balls of wool don't really mix.

I love reading and usually have my nose in a book. I love crosswords and do them regularly. I love building those little model houses and rooms that have become popular in the last few years.

I have my Etsy store and I create printables and stickers using photoshop to sell on there. I have this website and blog.

So, am I doing nothing and achieving nothing?

No. It's just not things that the world would place a value on.

I'm not climbing the corporate ladder or side hustling my behind off. I started my Etsy store not as a side hustle, but because I am a creative sort and love making things. It is a way to provide things that can help Christians in their daily walk. That was the motivation, not making money. Obviously, yes, I get excited about sales and when I make some money, but that's the bonus, not the motivator.

I don't have a big group of friends and I'm not socialising. Who cares? I don't. My worth isn't defined by the number of friends I have. I'm not looking for society's stamp of approval. Thankfully because I wouldn't get it. I'm different to most folk as my family always lovingly points out. Usually when someone unique pops up on a TV show, they'll look at me and say that's you. We have a good chuckle because it's usually true.

I've never been a big social person. I'm an introverted introvert 😆 I don't mind a small bit of socialising, but mostly I just find it exhausting. I always have. I'm not a people person. I like animals more than people. I prefer to read a book instead of going out with a group. That’s just me, not a consequence of anxiety.

Some people love people. Others prefer solitude or a small gathering. Neither one is bad, it's just personal preference. I'm not lonely in my isolation. I've always been a bit that way.

My mum sent me a meme during covid, and it cracked me up because it was me. I'll pop it below and perhaps it will give you a laugh too.

Now the burden...

Am I burden to my family?

Not in the least.

Has it made life difficult at times? Of course. As with any affliction, be it mental or physical, there are some situations that arise that make things tricky, difficult or just impossible. Does that mean that we are suddenly burdens to our loved ones because it's an inconvenience or it's not perfect?

No.

Our marriage is built on love and respect. It's not built on good times only. Everyone goes through difficult times and that is when we need our loved ones that most.

But it goes both ways. Sure, I may not be able to do some things, but I make up for it so to speak in other things. My husband and my son know that they have my unconditional love, undying loyalty and I will stand with them and have their back no matter what. I put them first and do my best to give them what they need. And they both do the same for me. So, if they have that, but I can't go out for dinner...it doesn't seem like such a big thing, does it?

It's all about what you value.

Would it be nice to go out for dinner. Absolutely. Does it matter? No. I can spend eternity going out for dinner when I will no longer have this anxiety.

At worst, this is a temporary pain in the behind during my time on earth. And as the bible says in James 4:14, "For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

But how are things any different now that I'm a Christian? The anxiety has eased off, but I'm not magically cured, so how am I any better off?

Well, let's start with what is different and an improvement in my anxiety.

For a start I am more content and peaceful than I have ever been in my life. Even when things go wrong or stressful situations arise.

A few years ago my husband was made redundant and did not have much time to find a job. We are a single income family so that should've been very stressful.

It wasn't.

Not like it should've been.

I didn't know how it would work out or what we were going to do but I knew that God would sort it and he did. My husband got a job within a couple of weeks.

Almost two years ago the house we'd been renting for nine years went on the market and sold. We had a couple of months to find a house. That might seem like enough time, but the rental market in our city is insane! Each inspection was overflowing with people. I couldn't believe how much it had changed. Not to mention the increase in prices. Ouch!

Our real estate agents loved us and gave us glowing references but none of the landlords wanted someone with a big dog. Especially a Maremma because they are notorious barkers. We were rejected by each one we applied for.

My extended family members were getting borderline hysterical and telling me to rehome my dog, but we said no and put an end to that conversation. For one she was part of our family and the way I got her was a miracle, so I didn't think that God would give her to me and then snatch her away because He didn't realise that we'd have to move house a year after I got her 🙄

I ignored people outside my household and trusted God. I knew that He would provide us with a house. I didn't know where or when, but I knew He'd come through for us.

And guess what?

He did.

A tenant through our real estate broke their lease and a lovely house became available.

I contacted our agent and went to the inspection. She convinced the owners that our dog was not a problem and that we were fantastic tenants. He agreed and the move in date was a few days before we ran out of time!

God does seem to favour a last-minute rescue.

And He even took care of the moving costs. We were able to get a small loan to cover that and pay it off over a year.

And also perfect is that we only have one set of neighbours. Behind us is a train track and to the other side is a car park, which is perfect for our Maremma. The neighbours are great and aren't bothered by our girl because we can take her out the opposite side to their house.

 So, God took care of every detail, right down to the perfect spot for our girl.

Was I stressed?

A little bit of course.

Was I as stressed as I should've been?

No.

The other part of having to move that I briefly touched on is inspections. I had to leave the house and go do inspections with a million people whilst expecting panic attacks.

Didn't have a single one.

I know right?!

He got me through every inspection that I had to do without any anxiety. He never ceases to amaze and is constantly blowing my socks off with the incredible things that happen.

All I did was pray and trust that he would get me through. I expected to be an anxious mess, but I knew that whatever happened he would be there with me and get me through it.

When the house went on the market all I did was pray and trust that He would work it out.

I had faith.

I didn't have faith that everything would be blissful.

I didn't have faith that everything would be perfect.

I had faith that He would work it out His way for our benefit.

Whatever that looked like.

It might have been a studio sized shoebox for all I knew, but whatever it was going to be, I knew it would be for our good. It was the opposite of that in the end, but I didn't know that or expect it at the time. I just kept applying for houses that would work for us or we could make work.

I had faith that if I fainted, threw up or just embarrassed myself during an inspection He would pick me up and carry me through it.

I expected to be anxious.

I expected to be nauseated.

It was the perfect storm for it. Crowds of people. Trapped in a line and then a house. Nowhere to hide. Having to make a good impression.

Hurling in the corner, unable speak and trembling is memorable for sure, but not exactly what I was going for.

God had mercy on me and showered me with grace on those occasions and what should've happened, didn't happen.

It wasn't willpower.

It wasn't positive thinking.

It was going in having faith that whatever happened He was in control and it would happen as He wanted it to.

I think sometimes we have faith expecting things to be perfect and nothing bad ever happens. It's not a fairy tale. It's messy and awful things happen to all of us in some way or another.

Faith isn't offering some preacher money and then you get a big bank account balance.

Faith isn't treating God like a cosmic Santa Claus. He has a list - The Lamb’s Book of Life - and that's a list you want to be on, but does that mean that God is a genie granting us all the desires of our heart?

Good heavens no!

And thank God that he doesn't.

Jeremiah tells us the heart is wicked and deceitful above all things. Who can know it? Have you ever wanted something so badly and then later you look back and thank God that you didn't get it?

I think we all have.

So, what is faith according to the bible?

Hebrews 11:1 says, 'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.'

Ok great but what does that actually mean?

It means exactly what happened to me with the house situation.

My faith was the substance of things I hoped for. We needed somewhere to live and I hoped that we would be approved for a house.

And the evidence that it was going to happen?

Nowhere.

The evidence was pointing towards us being out of a house and temporarily living with relatives till we found a place. Let's just say not ideal for them or us.

Remember how even extended Christian family members were telling me to give up my dog because she was the reason we weren't getting a house?

Even they had thrown in the towel and had no faith because the evidence wasn't seen. I felt like saying get behind thee, Satan as Jesus did to Peter, however I refrained and contented myself with pulling a face on the other side of the phone. Yes, I know, but I’m human 😆

How do we get faith?

Well faith comes from hearing the word of God which is the bible. Romans 10:17 says, 'So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.' Some translations will say Christ instead of God. We get faith by reading the word of God and hearing the word of God.

It sounds pretty basic, but it really is that simple.

It takes discipline though. I'll be the first time to say that sometimes reading the bible is a struggle. We are too tired, brain dead or there is just something else we'd rather be doing. Reading a novel or that jigsaw puzzle I’m working on is calling... even just housework.

But let me give you a nifty little hint. For the times when the struggle is real and you know you need to hear the bible, but you just can't do it, or you have so much to do...headphones and YouTube. The bible is on audio now. There are great biblical pastors on YouTube. Buzz around the house doing what you need to do whilst still being filled with the word. Sit on the train on your way to work and get filled. Headphones will go where you go. My stepfather has the bible on a usb stick or some such and listens to it on the way to work each day in the car.

We live in a world of technology. Use it to help you in your walk with God.

Faith is about trusting God. How do I know I can trust Him?

Proverbs 3:5 says, 'Trust in the Lord with all heart, and lean not on your own understanding.'

But what does that proverb mean?

It means that we have to lean on God's wisdom and his ideas, not our own ideas or intelligence. Take the author of Proverbs, King Solomon. He was the son the David, and he was the wisest man that ever walked the face of the earth. It's really interesting because as wise as he was, he really blew it! He sought after his own pleasure, he followed his own intelligence and tossed God aside. God bestowed him with immense intelligence and immense wealth too.

I imagine he thought that he knew better than God. Who hasn't at some point or another. It's the human condition. It's not natural to disregard human logic and trust in someone or something unseen. Especially in today's age.

But that is what this proverb is telling us?

Ignore our own logic and trust in God for all things.

If you read Ecclesiastes, which is the book Solomon wrote, towards the end of his life it seems he realised his errors and turned back to God. I hope so anyway. I read Ecclesiastes for the first time last week and I really enjoyed it. It's where the old sayings vanity, vanity, all is vanity and there is nothing new under the sun comes from.

God loves it when we have faith in Him. It is pleasing to him.

Hebrews 11:6 says, 'And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.'

We only need to have the faith of a mustard seed. A single iota is all that takes sometimes.

He knows our varying levels of difficulty with trust. Most of us have been hurt, and some of us like me, have been very slow to trust at times. When we've been let down and betrayed by those we love or those around us throughout our lives, trusting is not an easy thing to do.

It can be done though and God is gracious and loving. He understands these things and He helps us to trust him. It just one little step towards him and he will do the rest.

2 Corinthians 5:7 says, 'For we walk by faith, not by sight.'

Having faith means walking by faith or belief and not by the things we see.

Again, with the house example. I won't go through it all again, but it is a good example of this one too. I was walking by faith not by sight. It looked pretty grim, didn't it? It all worked out though.

Faith is essential to me every day.

Not just when something difficult pops up.

I have faith that if I have a panic attack, I can cry out to him and he will help me. He might calm me down or he might just walk me through it.

I have faith that when I look at the pile of dishes on kitchen counter, I can ask God for help to give me the motivation to get it done. We all just love stacking the dishwasher right...

I have faith that when my dog is having a day where she feels the need to sing the song of her people – screaming and barking – because a leaf moved in the back yard, that I can pray for patience and guidance on how to redirect her, and continuing with what I think will be lifelong debates as to whether she is in charge or I am 😆 

I have faith in him for all things and at all times.

Even the silliest and inconsequential of things like dealing with my barely domesticated fluffball.

So this is what faith looks like in my everyday life. Not big, flashy miracles or perfect circumstances — but trusting God in panic attacks, house inspections, barking dogs, dirty dishes, and everything in between.

Faith is choosing to believe He is good, even when my nervous system is screaming otherwise. 

But faith alone isn’t the whole story.

It goes deeper than that.

He meets me with patience, kindness, and mercy when I don’t deserve it.

That’s grace.

I’ll be covering that in part two of this post.